Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
