she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
