I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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