i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
