he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
His nipple licking is glorious
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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