No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
