I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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