a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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