Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
