i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I want a musical about memes.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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