Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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