I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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