Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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