I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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