So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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