she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
