You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
