Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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