I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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