if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dear god my vagina.
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