either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
