woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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