Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
