i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
