i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
