I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
