Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
