I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Randomize
