once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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