I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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