and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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