just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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