she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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