I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
