i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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