id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
