I'm gonna have a badass scar
My friends, they love my intelligence
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
