Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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