Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
