fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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