You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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