btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
