who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
