I can't watch pbs sober anymore
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
