I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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