Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
