??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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