A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
