just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
