if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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