she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
