Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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